Thursday, May 13, 2010

Sabatini Cocoa and her knight in shinning armor

All of you that know me are aware that I am not your average married girl. I have somehow managed to balance my married life with my own life and I expect my husband to do the same. I have plenty of single friends and I live vicariously through them, even though I don't miss single life a bit (I am too lazy for it). I have dates with my husband, I have dates with my girlfriends, I have dates with my husband and my girlfriends. And sometimes those dates with my single ladies turn into unexpected adventures, to say the least.

I've always said my life is one of those "you had to be there jokes" and last night is an epic example of it...It all started very innocent, a girlfriend invited me out for a drink to listen to some good music and talk shit, which is one of my favorite sports only second to shopping. I very rarely go out without my husband, not because I can't but because I don't need to, I don't want to. I have tons of fun with him and my girlfriends love him. I have to give him a lot of credit because it must not be easy to keep your testicles in place after enduring many hour long discussions about: whats wrong with Mr. Big?, did you see the new Instyle?, argh, I wish I looked like Kim get my drift. I will never forget a particular evening that involved my husband, two of my girlfriends, vulgar amounts of champagne, a hotel room and myself...Any man's fantasy, right? Well, he ended up nursing 3 drunk chicks in frumpy pajamas that were threatening to cut his testicles, saute em' and feed em' to him if he didn't shut the fuck up...Bless his heart.
Going back to last night, I get home from work, start getting dressed and decide to wear what I call my stripper shoes (5 inch bronze platforms heels) because my friend, who will remain un-named, is particularly tall and I needed some leverage. Little did I know that those shoes where going to become the irony preceding that evening. I get to the place, a dim lit small Italian restaurant and meet my friend at the bar, she looks fabulous as usual and she orders me a drink from the bat shit crazy bartender. The bartender, who will also remain un-named, is one of those characters that you have to love because you didn't have another choice, she is loud, obnoxious, 75% plastic and clearly starved for attention. Did I mention that no matter what or how much we drink our tab is always $15.00? So, needless to say, after the show was over our decision making abilities where impaired, so she suggests we continue drinking. I swear to God this girl has an inhuman resistance to alcohol, the bitch can drink for days!!

I suggest we go to a bar next door that is conveniently within walking distance from my apartment (you know, just in case we have to make a run for it) she agrees. We get in her car and the bat shit crazy bartender suggests we change our destination to a place called "Envy", mind you, I am new to the area and I don't get out much so I say: "sure, lets go!" before my inebriated brain realizes "Envy" is a strip club. At this point we are half way there and I can't freak out because then I will always be "that boring married old bitch" and my drunken self would never have that.

We get to the place and the bat shit crazy bartender introduces us to the owner and tells him we are "rock stars", I smile and make a beeline to the bar. I had 2 choices, I either sat next to a half naked middle aged woman grinding on top of a defeated looking (married) old man or I sat next to a rather normal looking dude. I chose the latter, my poor friend sat next to the before mentioned couple. I'm not above it or anything, but man! this place is seedy. The woman behind the bar looked like she had eaten a pharmacy load of painkillers and was rude on top of high! I text my husband: "OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG I'm at a titie bar,FML!!" to which he answers: "Haha". Seriously? We ask for a Mich Ultra and a Heineken, we got a Mich Ultra and a Bud Light, I hate Bud light but I am not going to fight a stripper wannabe, not tonight. I start sippin' on my beer and admiring the strategically placed mirrors on the wall that make it seem like there's tits on my head when the man sitting next to me decides to utter these words: "well, it suddenly got prettier in here". I smile, say thanks, but the fucking guy wants to talk. I am the only girl that comes to a strip club and gets hit on by a guy, or so I was told. Needless to say, the working ladies where giving me dirty looks since I was entertaining their customer for free and fully clothe.

Unfortunately I had to pee so I went to the sad, cruel excuse for a bathroom which doubles as a dressing room. It smells of beer, broken dreams and bad decisions.I had a slight heart attack when the first thing I see is a head peaking out of an unlocked stall and a Puerto Rican flag on the floor, yes people, I couldn't make this shit up. I say, very nonchalantly: "nice flag" to which Candy replies "thanks, I'm Puerto Rican". I made the rookie mistake of saying: "me too". Well, now I know Candy has a 3 year old who is 4 feet tall and his daddy is Hatian and doesn't pay child support. I smile and walk away, slooowly while she is on the phone. I text my husband to please, please, please come save me! I get back to the bar and my friend and I start talking about what our stripper names would be, you know, the name of the first street you lived in and your first pet. Turns out mine is Sabatini Cocoa and hers Gennaker Sydney, classy. I feel a hand on my back and I jump about a foot and a half, its the door girl pointing towards the entrance. There he is, my knight in shinning armor coming to rescue my drunk ass. We got home and as I scrubbed the night off my skin I think about how lucky I am, how great my life is regardless of all the bullshit. I'm thankful that I can put those demonic shoes away, and that I will never have to use the name Sabatini Cocoa.


  1. jajajajaja Escuche que los talleres de artesanos en el Vaticano estan ocupadisimos tallando figuras del ultimo hombre en ser canonizado, Ken! jejejejej Tienes una suerte que no te la crees ni tu! ajjajajaja

  2. ¡No puedo contigo! A la verdad que tu vida es una comedia digna de escribirse en un libro, o mejor, en varios tomos... ¡Tu marido es el mejor y tus amigas son Ășnicas!