I don't know why I put myself through this, every month, to be honest it's more like every week. I salivate and my hands get clammy when I am in the presence of a new fashion magazine. I buy them like it's my job, my religion. I bet my husband would prefer I'd develop a drug habit in place of my magazine habit, it would be quite possibly cheaper. I sit in complete silence, fan the pages on my face, smell it, inhale it, salivate again. Then I devour it. I first look at every page with the voracious desperation of a child opening presents on Christmas morning. Then I start over again and read each article meticulously. Then something awful happens. Just what I imagine happens to a junkie after a fix, that wave of self hatred, self loathing, that deep, deep sense of helplessness. And I ask myself this question: Why the fuck can't I be rich so I can buy all this shit???!!!! It happens EVERY TIME.
Some people might think this is silly and a tad overly dramatic. But I urge you to stop and think about this. Where do you think women get their ideals on beauty, life, relationships and even parenthood? Ok, so probably 50% is from Oprah, but the other 50% is from what? The media, in the form of glossy, bright, beautifully overpriced magazines. How else can you explain that something like "gaucho" pants are fashionable and the fact that Kate Gosselin is still on TV. Magazines. Oh! the lies they tell! Like the fact that Jennifer Aniston's secret is Smart Water, that simple, water. Bullfuckingshit, how about the fact that she is a bizillionaire, has a personal chef, a trainer,a stylist and virtually zero stress. Not to mention that she will forever have images of her naked ex Brad Pitt embedded into her brain. I'm guessing, THAT! is her secret.
I read through the pages like I'm looking for the meaning of life, which I'm sure is somewhere between relationships and the horoscope. I love how they tell you everything, ranging from simple things like "what to do to look super cute" to "how to know when your man is cheating" and validate your life with columns like "don't worry, it ok...". If only it was that easy, if only all the answers could be contained in 194 full color pages. Us, as a society have given so much importance to celebrity that we have lost track of what's real, what's important. Do you even know how many houses I have decorated in my head while reading the latest issue of Harper's Bazaar, or how many fabulous parties have I attended in haute couture while reading Vogue? At this point I am basically best friends with Lauren Conrad and we can not wait till that annoying girl Heidi goes away, ewww, she is totally gross and totally jealous of us.
It's a little ridiculous how far my celebrity knowledge goes. But please don't ask me what's going on in the middle east because I have no idea, after all, no good gossip comes from those parts. I remember the days when I would read the paper cover to cover and knew everything about current events and politics. I really wonder what happened? Did reality become too painful to bear, did it become so real that I needed to escape? Maybe I escape inside frivolous publications because I want to be lied to, I want someone to tell me to my face that if I but a pair of Christian Louboutins my life will be better, that I'll be happier. That the worst tragedy happening in this world is that Jessie cheated on Sandra, not that millions of children are dying because they have nothing to eat. That is too depressing. I think about wanting to make a difference in the world, do something that matters, but right now I don't have enough money, no, it'll have to wait. I don't allow myself to think too much about it because it brings me back to reality, to my reality. Where I want to do so much to make a difference but don't have the means to do it, where I want to start a change but I'm too lazy to take action. I use the cheap almost mundane excuse that "one person can't make a difference".This is why I escape, because right now I need to, any other option will be too painful. So I turn to the next page. Maybe I need help, maybe I need life rehab. It worked for Britney and Lindsay, and as the thought enters my mind I immediately wonder if the Betty Ford Clinic allows magazines....