Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Can I please have my happy ending?

And I am not referring to the Asian kind. I mean the utopically perfect life I was promised if I went to school, then college, got a job and found a man to marry. Granted, I took a couple shortcuts along the way, drove drunk and deviated from the route quite a bit but at the end I got to my destination. I graduated college, got a career and conned a decent man into marring me and yet I feel like so much is missing. I am looking for a purpose, a motivation, something to believe in, something to lean on. And if you tell me to have a child I might just punch you in the face. Seriously.

Lately I can't seem to shake this feeling, this incredibly aggravating voice in my head telling me all that is wrong with me and all that I am not doing to make a difference and create a legacy. Go green, exercise more, eat less, quit smoking, save money, take your fucking vitamins, get some sleep... I have tried everything to shut the bitch up but nothing seems to work, no vodka, no beer, no fatty food or designer purchase. Nothing, the bitch is resilient. So I guess I have to shut up and listen. Listen to myself, really listen. Something I haven't done in quite some time for one reason or another. Mainly because sometimes its painful, it is painful to take a deep, hard look inside yourself and realize you left your dreams on hold, on hold for the "better" things that came along. Came along and are now gone. The way I see it, I have 2 options. Either I sit on my couch and let life happen (which I do quite often) or I take charge, stop making excuses and do me, do me and mine. Create my own happy ending, Asian kind and all.

Quarter Life Crisis

For most people, I am a well adjusted, rational, responsible young woman with a promising career, a great marriage and a fabulous life. In all actuality, I am just a great actress who missed her calling (as my mother so accurately puts it). I am, in fact completely chaotic, neurotic, judgemental, bitter and most of the time irresponsible. I do believe I am great at what I do but at the same time sulk in self loathing because I hate every minute of it. I am in the food and beverage industry and have been for what seems like an eternity and no, I am not one of the lucky ones that are working on a degree while waiting tables to pay my rent, tuition and drug habit, I actually went to college and have a degree in this shit. I'm completely invested in it, I even married a Chef, THAT invested. They say it takes a certain type of personality to make it big in this industry, I say yes, it takes having SEVERAL personalities AND an alter ego to make it, not to mention a tough skin and an endless supply of vodka to put up with the emotional and physical abuse that you have to endure. I also have passion for writing and I never shut the fuck up, which often gets me in trouble. I curse like a sailor, although I have never met a sailor so I can't accurately confirm this fact. I think I am a good friend but let's face it, who doesn't think they are? I am great at giving advice but I believe I need a life coach, and I cant swim even thought I am from an Island. I have two dogs who I believe are the dog versions of my husband and I, the female is jaded, opportunistic and uninterested and the male is overly excited, sweet and clueless. The beach makes me happy and I believe there are few better things than a really cold beer. My husband insists that I have body dysmorphia and that I am not fat but his job consists of making people eat pornographic amounts of calories and be happy about it, even pay for it so I don't know if I should trust him. And I am convinced that I am going through a quarter life crisis. So I have decided to write this blog as a more economical option to therapy. But I have to warn you that due to the graphic nature of my life some content might not be suitable for all readers. Please be advised that nudity, rude and crude language, violence and brutally honest content will be present...