Tuesday, August 10, 2010

For the Sisterhood

Today is the last day that I will sit here and watch silently as you wither away. Silence has never been my thing, I edit myself as little as possible, you know that. I wish you could see yourself as I see you. Strong, beautiful, intelligent, full of life and potential. Instead you think very little of you, and too much of him. Somehow his web has tangled all around you and slowly you're closing the door. I wish I could hold on to you and guide you out of it, far away to the times when you had that light in your eyes, when you looked at your future full of hope and promise, before him. I sometimes feel slightly responsible, for leaving, for not being there enough, for not taking that phone call, for not answering that message. I wish you would have listened, I wish you could see.

You tell the world he loves you but I'm not sure you believe it wholeheartedly but you've gone too far. There's no looking back now, what will people say? You've defended him, fought for him, held his hand through the dark times. No, you can't leave now, then your mother would be right. You will never allow that, no, not you. Now you've chosen to cry in private, you've chosen to not say a word. To paint your pain in a shade of red and disguise it as passion and conviction. To tell the world how happy you are while trying to prevent the next bomb from exploding. You peel away a little more of yourself everyday to make him happy, you do what he wants, because what you want can wait. You've become an extension of him, maybe that way he will love you, maybe that way he will choose you and not his vice.

Lying has become second nature, and reality has turned a dark shade of gray. But not to me, you don't lie to me, instead you have become silent. No more phone calls, no more of the messages that used to make my day, silence, dead, cold silence. With the promise of a phone call that never comes, because you can't face me. Because you've found someone else that tells you how great he is. You know I know. I know you, I see right through you. You have stopped reaching out, you don't want judgement, you don't want lectures, you don't want to hear the truth. The truth is I love you and it hurts. It hurts because I feel your pain, we've all been there in one way or another. I know what heartbreak feels like, I've looked at it in the eye. It might be too late for us, maybe we rather leave things well alone. But if its the last thing I tell you let it be that there is still time for you. Don't let it be too late. Shed that skin and rip him off your soul. Maybe the numbness will go away and you will feel again. Raw, gut wrenching pain the pain that comes before every sunrise after the rain. Touch your body and hug yourself again, look for the light in your eyes. It is only then that you will find what is real, what is true, the one that is forever. After loving you. Maybe our paths will cross again and we will glance at each other knowingly with a smile. Since silence has never been my thing I had to. For your mother, for your sister, for your neighbor, for your friend, for you and for me. You know who you are.